4 Myths Moms Believe (and Why They Make Us Miserable)

I have high expectations for myself as a mom. I also have high anxiety. The relationship between my expectations and my anxiety is not a coincidence! I manage my anxiety with therapy and support, but I also pay attention to the myths I’m believing about the mother I “should” be.

Myth #1: I can do it all if I try hard enough.

I scroll social media and see a mom who created the perfect workspace for her kids to do remote learning. I see another mom who taught her pre-K child his letters and numbers. I see a homeschool mom who took her kids on a nature hike and collected “artifacts.” I see a mom who cooked dinner with her kids and used measuring cups to teach fractions. I see another mom who woke up early to workout. I see another mom who posted perfect family photos in front of fall foliage.

My brain conflates all these moms in to ONE MOM, and I end up believing “Super Mom” exists. I believe everyone else is doing motherhood better than I am and that if I just tried harder, I could be Super Mom, too.

I google “work life balance” and pin preschool activities to my Pinterest board. I commit to waking up earlier and finally finding a morning routine that works. I decide I will simply try harder.

Except, the truth is, there’s actually nothing wrong with me. I don’t need to “fix” myself; I need to fix the expectations I have for myself. I need to stop comparing myself to others and remember that NOBODY does it all. Super Mom doesn’t exist.

Myth #2: Mediocrity is failure.

I have impossibly high expectations for my parenting and anything less than perfect feels like failure. It’s not enough to feed my kids; I want to grow organic produce with composted trash. It’s not enough to grab a grocery store pumpkin on my way home; I want to shell out $100 at a pumpkin patch in color-coordinated autumnal outfits. It’s not enough to have mundane moments of connection; I feel pressure to make every (!) moment (!) magical!

What I wish I could remember is that mediocrity is not failure.

There’s nothing wrong with lowering my expectations and doing a good enough job.

If I patiently respond to my children seven out of ten times (70%), that’s still a really high percentage of time that I’m patient and calm. If I feed my children healthy foods 50% of the time, that’s still a large portion of their eating. If I make sure I have one good moment of connection with my child each day, that’s still being available to them on a regular basis. Being a “good enough” mom is good enough.

Myth #3: If I’m hard on myself, I’ll become a better mom.

I believe I must be hard on myself if I want to become a better mom. I seek out podcasts, books, articles, and resources to help me improve. While I believe it’s good to learn new things and seek out resources when we need help, constantly striving for improvement feels exhausting.

What if we stopped trying to become better moms and recognized we are already really good ones?

What if we shifted our focus from where we fail to where we succeed?

What if we focused on our wins and stopped beating ourselves up for what we’re not doing?

The irony of expecting less from ourselves is that we actually become more like the moms we hope to be. Self-compassion lowers our anxiety, improves our mood, and encourages connection with our kids. I can be gentle and compassionate toward myself because shame never works.

Myth #4: Self-care is selfish.

Most of us would never admit out loud we believe self-care is selfish. We know self-care is something we “should” do. But when it comes time to actually spend money on our own care, we hesitate. When it comes time to leave our kids and go care for ourselves, we feel guilty.

If money feels tight, we categorize our care as a “want” — not a “need” — and push it to the “maybe later” side of our budget spreadsheet.

If our child starts to cry when we leave the house, we believe a “good” mom would forego her own needs and stay home.

The truth? Caring for yourself isn’t selfish; it’s necessary. Taking good care of yourself by investing in your own wellness is an investment in your family. When you invest in your own care, the return on your investment is huge; You’re more patient, more empathetic, more playful, and more available to the people who depend on you.

There are numerous ways to care for yourself without spending money, but you’re worth the investment of care that costs. After I had my second child, we built a monthly therapy session and monthly massage into our family’s budget. That was eight years ago, and I don’t regret one cent! (Neither does my husband.)

If money feels tight, I encourage moms to divert their resources, and what I mean by that is divert some of the money you would spend on your children and spend it on yourself. Your kids don’t need more stuff; they need a content mom who is well and takes good care of herself. Your needs matter and you deserve to be treated with tender care.

Which myth makes you most miserable? What would it look like to let go of it?