In May 2014, my boys were almost five and seven years old. I was a practicing attorney and life juggler like every other mom, my creative outlet being the fun and introspective blog posts that I was honored to write for the Kansas City Mom Collective (then Kansas City Moms Blog). That month my post was titled, “All I Need to Know.” In it, I wrote about my struggle balancing my dream with my need to be a practical parent who paid bills and monitored conflicts between the basketball and soccer schedules. I was a writer trapped in the body of a lawyer, with ten balls in the air at any given time and constant prayers that I didn’t let the most important ones drop to the ground. I felt trapped professionally and pulled in 20 different directions, all of which demanded my intense focus and dedication. In that blog almost six years ago, I wrote:
I constantly struggle with the desire to give my kids the best life possible, while encouraging them to follow their dreams when I’m not always leading by example. My dream? I want to write; I want to evoke feelings through words. I want to tell people’s stories and tell my own, creating for a living rather than producing. And, I’m trying. I’m doing my best, which means that I’m working a day job, writing on the side, and trying to make sure that my boys are happy and feel loved every minute of every day. Sometimes I fail; sometimes I apologize to them for not being the mom that I wish I could be. And, every time, they forgive me. When I get discouraged and wonder if the pursuit of this dream is worth the effort, I think back to one particular mommy moment. Max’s first grade teacher sent me an email exchange that she had with him during computer lab – a conversation about what he enjoys in school. My son’s response is the only thing that I need to keep this “mommy train” going:
“Dear M.s.,Langan I do like to read and rite beacase I want to be like my mom she is a riter and a reader.”
If my kids are proud of me, that’s all I need to know.
It’s now January 2020. My boys are 10 and 13, sports schedules are even more intense, and our conversations about Toy Story are now replaced with talks of puberty and responsible internet usage. A year after writing that blog in 2014, I took a leap of faith and left my lawyer job to write full time.
For three years, I balanced a new freelance and author job with shuttling my boys to practice and thanking my husband for carrying the financial load while my dream was allowed room to grow upward and with newfound direction. I put myself out there. I wrote emails to publishers and dealt with the rejections (some days better than others). I gave myself pep talks and began searching for a literary agent. I put my faith into things that I couldn’t see, a universe and God that I had to believe would guide me toward the path that I was destined to travel. My share of rejections later, the universe connected me with the right people, and I was able to complete two more book manuscripts just as I was offered a new professional position in internal communications. My need to lead a life by example grew stronger as my kiddos grew older, our conversations matured, and our discussions about life and what it’s really all about became more complicated. All of those years ago, my kiddo considered me a writer and I was given a choice — stay true to who I was or continue on a path intended for someone else. To channel Robert Frost, I chose the path intended for me and that has made all the difference.
The parenting lesson that I learned all those years ago remains the most important one that I know today. Leading by example is so much more than teaching social cues, manners, and the treatment of others. Our kids watch how to we lead our lives to gain inspiration for how to lead their own – they watch us stumble and, based on our reactions, learn how to get back up and try again. If we want our kids to follow their passion and live a life true to their talents and gifts, we better make sure we’re doing that ourselves.
My latest book is scheduled for release on February 25, and on the day the Advanced Reader Copies arrived at my house, I rushed to the box waiting for me on the kitchen counter. On it, I found three sweet sticky notes of support, one from my husband and two boys. “Congratulations momma. You did it!”
If my kids are proud of me, that’s all I need to know.
Tiffany’s novel, Good Will, is available for pre-order and you can follow her on Instagram (@readandthreads), Facebook (@TiffanyWKilloren), Goodreads, and Twitter (@tiffanykilloren).
Tiffany Killoren believes in reinventing yourself. She has been an attorney, Editor-in-Chief of a lifestyle magazine, and storyteller. Her book characters are typically flawed, relatable, and facing one of life’s many crossroads. Tiffany has developed a loyal following and regularly appears on morning talk shows to discuss lifestyle and parenting topics. She lives in a Kansas City suburb with her husband and two young sons and can usually be found latté in-hand typing furiously in the corner of a coffee shop.
