Are You Finished Having Kids Yet?

MH900422533How many kids do you have?

When will you have your next?

Oh good, you got your girl – you can be done now, right?

Do any of these questions sound familiar? In my experience, this line of questioning is all too common for both pregnant women and moms with little ones at home. As my husband and I are anxiously awaiting the arrival of our third child, most of our focus has been on how in the world are we going to handle being out-numbered?!  We are getting ready to transition from playing man-to-man defense to zone defense and we are excited, thrilled, and overwhelmed – but there is that lingering question, “is this our last baby, our last pregnancy, our last labor, etc.?” The truth is, we don’t know – and while I know we don’t need to know yet, it HAS got me thinking.

I’ve started asking a lot of my mom friends (who are much older and wiser then I am) how they knew when they were done trying to grow their family. Here are some of the answers I’ve received …

  • I felt maxed out with the kids I already had.
  • I was getting old – surely my eggs were dying! (my personal favorite)
  • I was exhausted at the time, but looking back, I wish we would have tried for one more.
  • We were not able to have any more.
  • Financially, it felt too difficult to have more children.
  • We stopped when I didn’t feel like I had the capacity to be present in all of their lives and all of their stories if I had any more.

All of these answers are helpful, even appropriate for some families and their circumstances, but none of them fit quite right into our story and where we are right now. If I stopped having kids when I personally felt maxed out, we would have stopped at one! I think feeling maxed out is part of being a mom for me … truth be told, I’ve been maxed out exhausted since July 9, 2010. For some moms, that might be how they “know” … but not for us.

Getting old isn’t a factor for us yet, either … I like to think my eggs have quite a few good years left. 😉 (Though I guess you never know …)

Providing financially for our children is definitely a factor – in more than just a decision like this one. The more I talk to other moms, it seems like what people view as “providing financially for your children” is very different for every family. The conversations my husband and I are having now include facing the reality that there are some things we won’t be able to provide for our children if we have more than three kids (ha – even with “just” three kids!) – but for us and what we want for our children, is that sacrifice worth it? I’m not talking about not being able to feed, clothe, and provide shelter – I’m talking about the fact that our kids might not be able to play on the club sports teams that travel around the state (or even the country) or that they might not be able to have the trendiest jeans. We are okay with this, though – and in a lot ways, we prefer this alternative for our kids.

All of the answers above get me thinking – and reminded me that there is no right or wrong answer. Every family is different; every mom is different. We can’t compare what one family can handle – or what one mom has the capacity for – to another. We were all created differently, and we THRIVE as moms in DIFFERENT family dynamics. All that rambling to say … who knows if we will have more kids? When I think about how much I don’t enjoy being pregnant, how hard it is to be up all night with a newborn, how challenging it is to be consistent with a 3-year-old, and all the other challenges of being a mom which I haven’t even begun to experience yet … then I think, “HECK, NO – we are DONE!” But when I watch my boys kiss my tummy and talk about how excited they are to have a little sister, or when I think about what I hope Christmas looks like when my kids are grown … then I immediately change my mind back to “HECK, YES – let’s have another one … or maybe two!” 😉

Jenn
"Jenn is a Special Education teacher turned health enthusiast. Most days she can be found chasing her three kids (4,2, and 8 months) around some park in Kansas City wearing workout clothes and sweaty hair. Jenn is an ACE Certified group fitness instructor and loves teaching group fitness classes around KC. She is also a NETA certified Wellness Coach. You can visit Jenn's wellness coaching website at http://www.jennmarasco.com .Jenn is crazy in love with her husband of seven years, Matthew. Their idea of a great date includes playing or attending some type of sporting event followed by a delicious meal from a local KC restaurant. Jenn and Matt lived in the Midtown neighborhood of KC for four years and recently moved to Overland Park."

1 COMMENT

  1. Jen,
    Thank you for tackling this subject!! As a mom of a 6 & 7 year old we are constantly being asked when we are going to have another. We are pretty sure that two is the right number for us, but we are keeping the option open. There were many times in these last 6 years that I have been more than ready to get fixed or to force my hubby too. 🙂 I don’t think we have ever been 100% ready to say that part of our life is over yet. I am very glad to know we are not alone in our indecision.
    Erica

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