Signs of a {BAD FRIEND} and 10 Ideas for How to Be a Good One

I was a better friend before I had kids.  There, I said it.

Has that ever tugged at your heart as a mom?

It repeatedly tugs at mine. I compare what I can do now with who I was a decade or more ago before mothering. I was working in sales and had spare time. Yep … you heard me … SPARE TIME. The kind that didn’t revolve around mounds of waiting laundry or feeding anyone other than myself or putting a child down for an over-due nap. Whole weekends that were completely OPEN for hanging out, shopping, movies, and seeing family and friends. Sure, there are glimpses of those times today – but they are usually followed with exasperated longings of “we really need to do this more often.”

When does the “more often” happen?

After becoming a mom, I missed weddings that I never in a million years would have believed I would miss and other important times in my friends’ lives. I can’t hang out endlessly like I used to or plan Saturdays shopping for nothing with friends. I sometimes compare my life now to the convenience of college days, which I shouldn’t. Fellow procrastinators, I mean … learners, sharing life together and finding “your people.” People who got you. People who challenged you. Let’s face it … people that entertained you and filled your days.

Now, you and I have “our own people.” We have created a family that we try to understand, that we feel challenged and entertained continuously by, but it isn’t the same. So, my question is this – how can we find time to evolve our friendships and grow new ones during our crazy family-centered time? Here is my stab at it and it is hard work. I am a bad friend more often than I would like to be.  Maybe you are, too.

Ten Ideas For How to Be a {GOOD FRIEND}

1. Reach Out: If you think of a friend, tell them with a quick text or message on Facebook. No, it isn’t a Hallmark card, but who can pull that off on a moment’s notice? (The bigger question is, do you really have a stamp?)
2. Live With Grace: As my mother’s mother told her and now she tells me, “This, too, shall pass.” It feels as if we are in this family-focused phase forever, but eventually they do grow on and out of our homes. Extend grace to yourself and others so that this journey can be less negative. Take time to apologize for hurting your friends.
3. Be Honest: Let others in on your crazy – with their crazy in tow! Hearing how we are all pulling off this amazingly hard role of being parents increases understanding, community, and compassion.
4. Cut IT Out: Stop guilting yourself AND others all the time. Either find new ways that you can express friendship, or move on.
5. Engage: Put down your phone during your kid’s activity or practice and introduce yourself to those who are right there waiting with you. You already share time together, so why not make it matter?
6. Ask Questions: The best way to get to know someone is to get them talking about themselves and not you! Think of a couple of great go-to questions and be prepared for them to answer! (Here is a great one: What do you like to do?)
7. Share Nicely: Introduce friends to one another – it helps for connection. Friendship is not ownership with sole proprietary rights.
8. LET GO: You can never really meet your own expectations on how you would like to be a better friend; just be more of you AND stop comparing your social life to what you see on Facebook. If it bothers you when you see people out together, plan a time to do something with a friend. Let it motivate you to do something instead of tick you off!
9. STOP: Set the comparing and one-up-ing aside. You will never be who you were before, and neither will I. Each day is different; if we hold on to the past, we can’t stop limiting the present. And as for one-up-ing … not cool. Really listen to your friend and sympathize, because this life isn’t a competition.
10. Celebrate: When you can spend special time with an old or new friend, take it for what it is. If it was great, plan another specific time to get together. Do something – anything.

I will be the first to admit that I am a bad friend now that I am a mom. I am still a work in progress when it comes to balancing family, life, and connection. I am trying to be the type of friend to others that I would like to have which means being flexible, fun, kind, and open to journeying along in life.

What about you? Are you a BAD FRIEND? What can you do to be a better friend in the future?