My mind has been spinning with questions since May 4, 2012.
It started the moment I finally saw the word “pregnant.” First, my questions revolved around what I was putting in and on my own body. What superfoods would support my baby’s growth and brain development? Which household cleaners and chemicals should I avoid? Should I leave while the nursery is being painted? Are highlights safe? How much fish and soft cheese can I have again? And the list goes on …
On Jan. 6, 2013, the questions changed, but their consuming presence did not. How would we set up routines to support a healthy sleep schedule? What could I do to help foster success in breastfeeding? What should I eat while nursing? How much stimulation should a newborn have? And when will he eat solids? Four months … or six?
I’m sure you know the questions well. It’s endless. The number of hours I have spent reading and researching in the last three and a half years is innumerable. I’ve tackled all the hot topics: Breast vs. Bottle, Organic vs. Conventional, Store-bought vs. Homemade, Delayed vs. Traditional Vaccine Schedules. I read until the words swirled in front of me. Baby carriers, carseat safety, combination scheduling, sleep training. Don’t forget potty training, gross and fine motor skills, imaginative play, and sensory activities!
And just when you think you’ve got it all figured out, you read something new and you’re back in a tail spin. Just recently, a Kansas City Moms Blog series on Parenting in the Tech Age had me reconsidering where I’d finally landed with a screen time philosophy. And back to the research I go!
All the hours of reading, the overwhelming research, the second-guessing and agonizing – it’s all with good intention. All of my questions inherently stem from just one: How can I best foster my child’s physical, cognitive, social, emotional and spiritual well-being?
But do you know what I have NOT been asking myself all this time?
What can I do for my husband today? How can I foster our relationship? Am I meeting his needs?
How many of you can relate? I have a feeling I’m not alone.
As moms, caring for and nurturing our children is one of our biggest jobs. The mommy in me wants to say it is THE biggest job. But a friend of mine gave me some really good advice about priorities. She told me to keep them in this order: God, husband, THEN child.
I know, that’s not easy to swallow. It seems unnatural. How can we put anyone above our children?
But then I tried it.
I started small, simply by taking some time in my day that would’ve been dedicated to my child, and redirecting it toward my husband. My first task was to ask him some pointed questions to help me get to know his Love Languages again. After that, it just took a little conscious effort each day.
Have I missed some days? Yes. But I’m working on it. Some days, it’s nothing more than looking around the house, thinking about something I can do to make our home just a tad bit more welcoming from his perspective. One day, it was a box of candy waiting for him in his car before work. Another day, it was a handwritten message on his bathroom mirror. Most recently, I surprised him with new baking supplies. (Yes, honey … your passion for baking has just been publicly outed.) It wasn’t a special occasion. It was just because. Just a simple way to say, “I’m thinking about you.”
I’ve been sending more texts throughout the day, sharing jokes and stories. And then there was that night a couple of weeks ago, when I know it would’ve been best to pick my baby up from his grandma’s house so he could stick with his routine and sleep in his own bed – the night that I knew I would miss seeing his little face and snuggling up with him at bedtime. Instead, I called my mom last minute and asked her to keep him overnight so my hubby and I could spend the evening together. Just the other day, I stepped outside of my normal super-engaged-momness and plopped my little man in front of the TV to go spend some quality time with the other man in my life.
SPOILER ALERT: Next on the “little acts of love” list … I’m making fudge for the first time ever. For this chocolate-hater, that is a truly selfless gift because there’s absolutely nothing in it for me! This one is all for him.
I still have a ways to go; it’s certainly not a task that comes as easily as throwing all of my time and effort into motherhood. Even so, despite my imperfect efforts, do you know what I’ve seen so far? I’ve seen family time become more enjoyable, probably because my husband’s needs are being met just a little bit more. I’ve experienced more help around the house, possibly because receiving tends to put one in a giving mood.
And the biggest change? I now have peace of mind knowing that the distance which so easily creeps in when those priorities get out of whack is a distance that can be bridged – and eventually made to disappear. It’s a reassurance that Oliver will grow up not only being loved fiercely by his parents, but that he will also be shown HOW to love. He’ll see a strong marriage, a husband and wife who put each other’s needs high on the list of priorities. Someday, I pray that he lives out the example he was shown – and more importantly, that the example was worth emulating.
