I’m writing this post on the day I took my oldest son to kindergarten. I’m also 36 weeks pregnant with our fourth baby. So you can imagine how the “I’m not going to cry” thing went, as we walked out of his school. I took the day off of work in the midst of the craziness of preparing for my maternity leave; I figured I deserved today off and decided I wasn’t going to even look at my work email. I tried to take a nap while my son was at kindergarten this morning, but my mind is swirling these days constantly. I feel like I’m at a whole new level of anxiousness. I’ve had some complications with this pregnancy the last few weeks in which I was told to rest and “take it easy,” which if you know me, is easier said than done.
If I’m being honest with myself and you, I’m completely terrified to add another baby into our family. There. I said it.
I feel like this pregnancy has flown by and with everything else going on, I haven’t really had time to think about what it will actually mean for our family to add another one into the mix. I’m finding that I’m doubting myself and our overall ability to handle this transition as a family more than I ever have before. With every addition, I’ve been nervous and anxious about adding another family member – especially one that needs the constant care and attention that any infant does, but I feel like this time we have a solid routine and have found our groove as a family of five. From the morning routine to drop off to pick up to family dinners and shuttling to activities, it seems like we have found our sweet spot; we’ve even conquered bed time (and I finally don’t feel bad at all if I go out for the night and leave my husband alone with three kids!).
And then here I am, four weeks out from my due date thinking – HOW ARE WE GOING TO DO THIS? With two full-time working parents, busy kids, schedules that seem to fill up faster than ever before…plus the stress that has caused me some issues in the last few months of this pregnancy…are we crazy? Am I crazy?
I’m guessing this is a feeling that other expecting moms have gotten before. It feels as if you’re out of control and don’t know where to start or stop things. Add on to it the fact that I’m just perpetually aching and tired from being pregnant and hot, it seems as though the world keeps going and all I want it to do is just stop for a bit. It’s a scary feeling. I’ve Googled “is there a thing as pre-partum depression,” reached out to my therapist and talked to friends. The one thing I know is that going through these times where we are struggling alone is not the best thing for me.
Then the other night I went to go see Rachel Hollis’ documentary called Made for More on a whim. And just like that I was reminded of something: I needed to give myself (and my family) the credit that I deserve. We have done this before. Yes, the circumstances are a little different, but with each child that I brought into this world, the world did not stop and the challenges (at the time) seemed insurmountable. With my oldest, I was in a summer school class for my part-time MBA program, and I remember having nightmares that I didn’t finish my final paper before I went into labor. Then after he was born, I took an intercession class that was three nights a week for six weeks WHILE working full time and breastfeeding (aka I barely ever saw him). And we survived. And looking back, after overcoming those challenges, we thrived as a family of three.
Prior to my daughter’s arrival in 2014, I remember spending so many late nights studying for my Series 7 test for work. I was praying that she wouldn’t come before I took that test because I was convinced all the studying would be worthless because I’d instantly forget it all after she arrived. I ended up taking the test, passing and then she came. But then at six weeks old, my boss quit and I unexpectedly had to start going back to work part-time when she was eight weeks old, which I was not prepared for. With the craziness that ensued during the first five months of her life when I was doing my job and my boss’ job (with a two year old as well), that would explain why I don’t remember those first five months! But we survived. And looking back, after those overcoming challenges, we thrived as a family of four.
And then there was baby number three, who surprised us by having to go into the NICU for a bit even while being nine pounds. I was not expecting that, and it was emotionally very difficult for me. Luckily, his stint there didn’t last long, but upon arriving home, he was grunty, colicky and nothing like our first two in those first few weeks. I was taken aback because as a mom for the third time, I figured I would be able to handle it all. Then prior to returning to work, it was announced that my company was being acquired by a company in Chicago, which brought a whole new level of uncertainty to myself and our family. It also brought me the new challenge of constantly traveling there for work right after my return. I was forced to learn the ins and outs of what it takes to travel as a working mom with a pump and breast milk. I felt horrible for leaving my new baby at home and my husband with three kids to take care of. But we survived. And looking back, after overcoming those challenges, we thrived as a family of five.
What is the point? So many times, we don’t look back on all the things that we have overcome as moms, couples, families and give ourselves the credit we deserve of conquering those obstacles we have already overcome. The anxiety of the unknown is scary and can be so overwhelming, but when I heard Rachel talk about this concept of giving myself (and family) the the credit I deserve, my mindset shifted. Looking back at the completely different challenges that my family and I have overcome that surrounded each new addition to our family made me realize that we can do SO much; as strong women and mothers and family’s who band together and push through the challenges that come our way.
Now your circumstances and challenges are likely completely different from ours, but I believe this concept is something that we can all embrace and apply to our own challenges ahead. When we are approaching a situation that brings us anxiety and fear, we can build up our own confidence and strength to push forward by looking back at things we have overcome in the past. Our mind is such a powerful thing and this reflection is one that I think every mom, sister, friend, wife, etc. can use to find her own inner strength.
While I have no idea what the future will bring and the challenges that we will encounter as a family of six, one thing I’m certain of is that eventually, we will thrive. And you can, too!
