I broke down the other night. I approached my husband in tears, and I told him that I wanted another baby. He looked at me stunned because he just had gotten the all clear from the urologist after his follow-up appointment. He gently asked me if I was telling him I wanted to adopt. I said no; I wanted another piece of him and me in a perfect little baby. And we both knew that it wasn’t going to happen. So he just wrapped his arms around me and hugged me.
I let the jealousy overwhelm me. I’m at a season in my life where I have several pregnant friends, some for the first time, some for the fourth, and in every walk of life. Even though I know, way down deep in my heart, that our family is complete, I’m still incredibly jealous every time a friend announces a pregnancy. My family didn’t come together the way that I had planned. I didn’t carry and birth all of my kids. Two of them came to me through marriage.
My husband and I struggle with his ex-wife and making parenting decisions that are the best choice for our kids. We share two with her and sometimes every fiber of my being is against the decisions she is making because I know, from experience, how hard it’s going to make their lives when they are older. I don’t want them to struggle with some of the same issues I did as a young adult. But we can’t change it; all we can do is offer them an alternative at our house and pray over them that God will lead them toward Him.
We are also raising our rainbow baby boy who turned two earlier this year. He’s full of roars and car noises and snuggles and sweetness. He’s growing up so fast, and I just want time to slow down so I can enjoy every single moment with him because I’m never going to experience this again with any other children. Two has been so very, very hard on our family due to developmental delays and a daycare switch to be closer to his therapists. I worry that as he gets older, my two older kids won’t want to spend as much time with him. I worry that their mom will influence them such that they won’t see him as a true sibling, and he’ll feel all alone and not the one of three like I imagine him to be.
And that’s where the jealousy invades. I know I should be so grateful and thankful for all that I have (and believe me, I have more than I can ever deserve) but in those moments of weakness or struggle or when I just want to go all mamma bear on my husband’s ex, I let the jealousy sneak in and the ache for just one more baby becomes unbearable.
I can’t be the only mom who struggles with jealousy. Tell me I’m not alone. What triggers you and how do you handle it?
