Forgetting about us is easy to do. We, as a female species, allow ourselves to often be last on the list of priorities. It comes with the territory of motherhood, right? With each friend who enters the world of parenting, we pass the torch of martyrdom as if it is our lot in life.
From a persistent cough that never gets addressed to the lack of sleep for years on end, it seems as if we are constantly pushing aside what we need and still feel as if we aren’t doing enough for the ones we love. We take on extraordinary amounts of work and responsibility. We take care of our marriages, our kids, perhaps even an ailing parent or a friend going through a crisis. There’s also our jobs, school volunteering, carpool, home projects, daily household responsibilities, grocery shopping and sports practices. It is exhausting merely thinking about it, and easy to see how we feel as if our own needs must be last in order to simply get it all done.
Just last year, I found a lump in a place that every woman dreads. My own mother had recently finished breast cancer treatments, and despite my knowledge of the severity of cancer, I neglected seeing a doctor for several months. I am lucky, and found it to not be serious. I did, however, find through genetic testing I have a higher risk of developing it within my lifetime. It will require constant monitoring and testing. And yet I still didn’t learn my lesson that self-care is vitally important to not only us, but also our children. I used my busy schedule as a cop-out for never making an appointment. I justified my reasoning by saying I was in the midst of changing diapers and couldn’t interrupt naptime for a routine check up. The point? What if it had been serious? My lack of attention could have resulted in a life-altering event for my entire family.
Maybe it’s my stage of life. The chaos of toddlers makes it hard to get out the door some days. I know I’m not the only one. The ferocity and intensity we exude raising our children is in stark contrast to the care we allow for ourselves. My children’s meals are well balanced, while some nights my idea of dinner means shot gunning a can of Fresca after eating what they leave behind on their plate. Their clothes and backpacks are always packed the night before, double-checked for snacks, drinks and homework papers. I, on the contrary, usually dust off a pair of wrinkled yoga pants from the closet floor and fly out the door hoping I remembered to put on deodorant. Their social calendars are appropriately balanced to allow for both playtime and down time. My husband and I haven’t been able to schedule a date for months, and the thought of taking a day for myself seems vain. I could be filling out an empty baby book, grocery shopping, cleaning, and meal prepping rather than taking a nap or going for a walk alone. Adequate sleep is ALWAYS a priority for my two little ones, yet I can’t even remember a morning I woke up feeling refreshed.
Despite the constant state of busy, the external pressures of motherhood, and especially the internal standards we put upon ourselves, it is imperative for mom to have a place in the list of needs and wants. Self-care can prove to be elusive. Our kids are the best excuse and reason to skip our annual doctor appointments, forget to visit the dentist or simply take time to feel refreshed. But when we neglect ourselves, we are also forgetting to model the importance of health and self-maintenance. Being a martyr does nothing but show our children that self-sacrifice is a way of life for mothers. At times it feels noble, as we know we are always making our children the priority. But it is detrimental if it is at the cost of our health and sanity.
We must ask ourselves, what is better for our children: a parent who solely focuses on every single need of their children, or a parent who demonstrates a balance of giving, responsibility and self-care? An investment in us is not taking the easy way out. Making the weekly hour-long yoga class a priority or sneaking away for an occasional mom’s night out is not selfish. By meeting our own needs, we are teaching them to do the same. We cannot expect perfection or unreasonable standards to be met from our spouses and children, so why should we demand it from ourselves? We must model self-worth, love and grace because eventually those little eyes and ears will be taking notice.
Allow your kids to witness you enjoying life and motherhood, rather than crawling through the trenches. I promise, you won’t regret it, especially when after a cathartic glass of wine with friends you find yourself ready for another day rather than wondering how you might survive it.
Next step, book that long overdue Mother’s Day massage at the spa! You deserve it girls.