I wrote this blog a few months ago. But I had to put it down for awhile. Revisiting my ectopic pregnancy in too much detail still makes me tear up. I’m literally crying right now. Geez.
But no one warned me about ectopic pregnancies. I had never even heard of it before I had mine. I hope sharing my story helps others facing a very unexpected and very scary end to a pregnancy.
I found out I was pregnant in December. My husband and I had been trying almost two years by this point. But the excitement didn’t last long.
A week later was Christmas Eve. Overnight I felt a strange, sharp pain. It was brief, but that’s when the spotting began. Then bleeding. And the crying. I was a wreck.
This is also when the Googling began. I know you’re not supposed to Google medical conditions. But I couldn’t call my doctor over the holiday, and the symptoms weren’t bad enough for the ER. So I spent way too much time searching the internet for answers.
Ectopic pregnancy wasn’t even on my radar. I assumed I was having a miscarriage.
It wasn’t until almost a month later my doctor said the “E” word. 18 hours later, I was getting prepped for surgery.
I learned a lot about ectopic pregnancy in a very short time. WebMD says it happens in one in 50 pregnancies. The egg never makes it into the uterus and instead gets stuck somewhere else – in my case, in the fallopian tube. It can’t survive there. So regardless of how badly you want that baby, or how hard you fought for it, it has to come out.
I read a lot of stories online from other moms who went through this. But none like mine. So here are some other things I want people to know.
Everything I read said the pain would be excruciating. That was not the case for me, which is why I didn’t even consider this was an ectopic pregnancy. I sure wasn’t comfortable. But the cramps were never that bad. The bleeding was never severe. It wasn’t until the last two days that I started to have more extreme bloating. Turns out, that’s when I had started bleeding internally.
The diagnosis took forever. Granted I had to work around the holidays. But it took four blood tests, two sonograms and 26 days to finally find out what was going on. Once I did, the surgery was immediate. My doctor called at 9 a.m., as soon as he had the latest HCG levels. I was at the surgery center by 10:30. Afterward my doctor said I likely had been a day or two from my tube bursting. I know the baby could never had been saved. But I wish we at least we would have caught it earlier so maybe my fallopian tube could have been.
The emotions are unexpected. There’s a lot going on here. The fear when the bleeding starts. The anxiety of the long, long month of trying to figure out what is wrong with this baby. Literally weeks of not knowing if you’re pregnant or not. The sudden panic of rushing to surgery. The pain of recovering from the procedure. The disappointment that we’ll never meet this baby. And to top it all off – the anger over the new $4,000 medical bill. Not to mention the insurance company keeps screwing things up.
Now – the questions. Will it happen again? Can I even get pregnant again with one less tube? How long should we wait to try? Am I mentally prepared for something to go wrong again?
Was this my fault?
Finally, I cannot wrap my head around the fact that – though medically necessary- I terminated my baby. I don’t even want to think about it.
So now, my husband and I are trying again. We’re back on Clomid. I’m excited, but nervous. Signs of what happened are everywhere. We’re setting up a payment plan with the surgery center for that ginormous bill. The prenatal vitamins from the short time I was pregnant are still on my bathroom counter. I’ve got scars – right next to my C-section scars. (Cute, right?) The emotional scars are more raw than I realize. I broke into tears just this weekend when my cousin announced she was pregnant. Ugh.
But man, I really want that second baby. So ready or not, here we go.
Wish me luck.
