Recently, my daughter and oldest child became a 12-year-old. Three days later my youngest child became a 7-year-old, so excuse the whiny tone of this post. I’m struggling to wrap my head around how it seems like in the blink of an eye, my daughter went from tiny baby smiles in her sleep and screaming and crying for breast milk directly from my breast (she hated bottles!) to her first day of middle school and growing her own little br… bre… I can’t.
My son’s new age wells up a bittersweet emotional roller coaster in me because while I’m so grateful for every single year I have been blessed with his presence, it also means he’s closer to growing away from me. I have been having a tough time accepting change and wasting heart space by being concerned with the what ifs.
My son loves spending time with my husband and me, but what if he becomes like his big brother, preferring video games over movie nights? What if he becomes like his big sister preferring to spend time alone reading and writing in his room or video chatting with his cousins or bffs? What about when he decides he’s too big to climb into my bed and cuddle with me in the mornings after my husband gets up to get ready for work? If he grows out of giving me random hugs and saying “I love you” just because, that may break my heart!
Throughout this year I have spent hours watching old home videos from when my three children were infants and toddlers. I have cried, missing the phases they have outgrown, reminiscent of those long gone moments when they were so tiny and needy, yet so sweet and cuddly. Recalling how excited and joyful I was over their first crawl, first words, first steps, and first time riding a bike without training wheels to their first day of elementary school. I won’t get to experience those things with my children again.
I have had numerous discussions with my husband regarding this topic that involved some tear shed and consoling. He encouraged me to turn those negative, worrisome “what ifs” into a more positive outlook and just experience each moment as it happens.
There’s no rewind button. There’s no time machine to take me back to relive the past. My mission is to do my absolute best to cherish where my kids are in every phase of life – annoying YouTube boy bands and all. While we’re on the topic, my daughter recently forced me… I meant my daughter and I gleefully listened to every song on the face of the planet sung by the group Why Don’t We. I may not be a fan of the group, however, I genuinely enjoyed spending time with my baby girl. I’m grateful that she saw fit to invite me into that small part of her tween world.
Nearly ten years ago, my husband and I asked my in-laws for a video camera as a wedding gift and I couldn’t be more grateful for all the home videos we have collected over the years. It’s important to me to have something tangible to reflect on in the future in addition to our photos. We may not be able to travel back in time, however, I can go back and hear their voices and watch their reactions from those many moments we have been able to capture. I even began a family YouTube channel two years ago that I add new videos to weekly.
Each day I’m growing into becoming more content with the inevitable changes that come with being a parent such as adapting to new needs, respecting new boundaries, and looking forward to new firsts. I’m still terrified of tackling the changes of puberty; however, as with most things, it’s just a journey we’ll have to learn to traverse together.
