We’re all aware of the mental load — the mass of stuff that occupies that once peaceful space in a mother’s mind as soon as those two little pink lines show up. Our mental capacity is pushed to its max as an entirely new layer of remembering, planning, and prioritizing creeps in and slowly drives us mad. A once evenly-run household following a classic give-and-take model is tossed into shambles the moment a tiny little human is added to the mix.
Juggling the to-dos that extend beyond a daily to-do list is a job that often goes unnoticed, and more often than not is primarily taken on by the mother, the so-called “manager” of the household. The one who keeps tabs on the toilet paper stash in all three bathrooms and sorts through the kids’ clothes each season to determine what stays and what goes. We don’t quite recall drawing the shortest straw, and yet here we are remembering that little Bobbie has to get a haircut before Aunt Linda’s wedding in two weeks.
The mental load encompasses all the things that are not easily laid out on a list or passed in a quick text to your significant other. It’s not the “hey, pick up some milk!” It’s the “Hey, Tuesday is library day at school, so we have to make sure the book is actually in his book bag, and if it’s not, it is probably lodged between his bed and the wall or under his seat in the car.” It’s connecting the dots and anticipating the “what if’s” that lead up to something that can be easily scribbled on a to-do list.
In the early days of parenting, my exhaustion was directly correlated to the number of hours of sleep I got each night. Now, my exhaustion is heavily weighted by the number of emails, sign up sheets, and theme days I have to keep track of from my kids’ daycare and school. I used to keep a weekly calendar, but then actually filling out the weekly calendar became part of the mental load that I despise so much. When I’m chatting with fellow mom friends, discussing the mental load that we carry, the corresponding responsibility and exhaustion of it all is inevitably where we end up.
Then this summer, something happened. I discovered I was no longer the sole bearer of the mental load in my house. My husband had taken it on as well. Sure, it has probably been this way for a while, but I was finally tipped off to it and began to revel in the ease it created. A few weeks ago, I took a work trip to Alaska and instead of frantically sending texts to remind him to do this and that, he just did it, leaving my mind less heavy and able to focus on work and enjoy my time away.
He knew what day Allison had water day, while I had no clue. He knew when tie dye day was and that he would have to make a trip to pick up a white tee before then. He knew that on field trip days Jack had to take his lunch in a plastic bag and wear his green shirt. He knew that we were running low on laundry detergent and trash bags, so he got them. Now, I’m not saying you should pack your bags and take a month-long vacation, but maybe you should pack your bags and take a month-long vacation.
In all seriousness, the mental load is much easier to carry when you have someone willing to lift one side while you take on the other. You may be the one carrying the heavy end up the steep stairwell some days and the light end on others, but as long as you both pivot when necessary, you might actually be able to take a load off the next time someone offers.
