I was at a happy hour with a few work acquaintances when someone asked what my husband did for a living. I smiled and said he was a stay-at-home dad. “Oh,” they said.
To be clear—there is almost always an “Oh.” Chill people usually follow with, “That’s cool.” But, of course, this particular “oh” was followed up with, “Aren’t you, like, afraid he’s just at home watching TV all day?”
As a mildly anxious person, I have a lot of things I’m afraid of. I’m afraid I will miss kindergarten sign-up, my house is secretly built on a sinkhole of lava, or that I will accidentally say “orgasm” instead of “organism” even though I’ve been out of eighth grade biology for years. But, of all the things I’m afraid of, my husband’s parenting skills are not one of them.
My Husband Becoming a Stay-At-Home Dad
When I was pregnant, we decided to find a daycare because that’s what everyone else did. But daycares were mystifying to us. I knew plenty of coworkers who had daycares they loved. In fact, we joined the two-year-long waiting list at one of them as soon as we found out we were pregnant. (Let’s pause here to say, TWO. YEARS. I mean, what are you supposed to do? Go to a daycare provider and say, “I’m planning on having hot, unprotected sex in 14 months. Can you pencil me in for a daycare spot two years from now?”) We needed to find another childcare solution until our newborn became a toddler, but even the ones that had good recommendations were…interesting. “Oh, we lost our accreditation because they wouldn’t let us keep our lizards, and they’re like part of the family.” “We go on daily walks with the kids up and down the busy strip mall parking lot.” And even the daycare we finally decided on wasn’t perfect: “WE’RE (bang) RIGHT (bang) NEXT (boom) TO (swish) THE (boomboomboom) GYM, but don’t worry, nap time is after the basketball lessons (BANG BANG BOOM YELL SWISH).”
Then came another sign. An opportunity was opening up on my team, and I thought if I went back a couple weeks early from maternity leave, I might have a good chance at a promotion (spoiler alert: which I got). Before we could come up with a Plan B, my husband Josh said he’d like to stay home with our son, Finn, at least until our spot at the daycare opened up. Honestly, it seemed like a great idea to me. I definitely trusted Josh more than the lizard-loving-lady. Our daycare spot near the gym became available three months later. We declined. And then, after the predicted two years, the wait-list finally opened up at our first-choice daycare. We declined again.
I’d like to say my husband taking on parenting full-time was a decision we didn’t make lightly, but, uh, we kind of did?
It didn’t seem like a big deal. I love my job and am privileged to make enough to support us both. He wanted to give his kid the same benefit of having a parent at home, like we both had growing up.
Life as a House Dad
Josh loves being a House Dad (his preferred term, like he’s managing a fraternity…which, with one rowdy boy at home and another on the way, it’s not like he’s wrong), and there’s no end to the benefits. We both have a say in exactly how our child is being taught and where he gets to explore, I can have groceries picked up and waiting for me at home, our almost-3-year-old has only been sick twice in his life, and we can justify that Wonderscope membership (hey, I like throwing balls in the water, too). And that was all before the pandemic—once it hit, we felt even more like we had made the right decision. Besides missing out on playgroups and library programs, Finn’s life wasn’t changed dramatically. He was still at home with his dad, but now I got to work from home, too. It felt safer, having us all in the house…and I’ll probably remember looking out my window and seeing them play together outside as one of the most content moments of my life.
Josh is an amazing dad, and he would be if he was at home or not. But the fact that our son (and soon, our next baby) gets to hang out with and learn from such a kind, caring, funny dude all day? What a dream.
When we celebrate my husband this Father’s Day, I’ll be thinking of all the ways he steps up beyond just the call of being a dad: How, even after a hard day with Finn, he’s ready for even more family time when I get off work. How he puts so much heart into everything he does. How he’s there with a funny story or cute picture whenever I’m feeling bummed to be missing out on their fun. How he lets me follow my dreams and supports me 100%. How he so easily shrugs off any societal pressure to pretend that what he does at home isn’t “normal” for a man to do or important…because it’s everything to me (and Finn, too).
Jeez, I think I probably owe him way more than a new grilling set for Father’s Day…
For all the many lessons we’ve learned as we jumped into parenthood, the most important is this: Nothing else matters as long as you’re doing what’s right for your family. Just remember, if everyone in your family is feeling happy and loved, you’re exactly where you need to be. And if you’re lucky enough to have a partner who has your back, rushes in to help, and makes this whole dad thing look easy, I hope you have the best Father’s Day celebrating them.
Congratulations Valerie, Josh and Finn