Surviving Your Spouse’s Horrifying Work Schedule

A medical residency is, in no uncertain terms, an exercise in misery.  Residents are overworked, grossly underpaid, and in one of the most stressful careers imaginable.  My husband Austin is in his third (and final!) year as an Emergency Medicine resident physician. He works a minimum of 80 hours a week, but frequently over 100 considering the work he brings home. These hours take place all days of the week, all hours of the day.  On holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries. There is no time safe from a medical residency. At work, he doesn’t break to eat, he doesn’t saunter to the coffee pot, congregate at the water cooler, or shoot the breeze. He eats spoonfuls of peanut butter as he hastens between patient rooms. It’s hard on him. It’s hard on me. It’s hard on our daughter. On more than one occasion, our daughter Greer has insisted that daddy lives at the hospital. At any given time, she believes him to be in one of three places: at the hospital- working, in the home office- working, or in the bedroom- sleeping.

When residency began, I cried a lot. I found myself in a new city, with a baby, no friends, and a spouse that was perpetually gone. It was so lonely. I’ve since adjusted as best I could with time and a great therapist. I am as close to thriving in this season of life as is possible. I’m certainly not the only mother whose spouse works long, stressful hours. I see you mamas with spouses who travel constantly or only work nights or are deployed. I bet that SUCKS. The following strategies have helped me make the most of my specific circumstances. May they offer solidarity and hope to others experiencing similar.

  • Lower your expectations. Easier said than done, I know. This took time, but I’ve reached a point where the one and only thing I expect on the days when Austin works is that I will not see him.  And if I do, I am genuinely delighted. It sounds more depressing than it is, trust me!
  • Don’t wait around. He may think he can be home in time for the BBQ, but inevitably a patient will try to die as he’s leaving and the BBQ will no longer be a priority. Go to the BBQ anyway.  This was difficult for me to bring myself to do, but I’ve never regretted it.  I now regularly make plans without Austin and while I’d love it if he could accompany me and Greer to more things, I recognize that it’s simply not possible right now.
  • Designate specific time for communication: As much as I wish this was communication about feelings and stuff (though that’s important, too), this is really more about the daily dirties. If Austin and I don’t designate 10-15 minutes a week to sit down- without interruption- to discuss the nitty-gritty, it is a recipe for a fight. These discussions might include such items as doctor’s appointments, bills that need paid, parenting concerns, or family gatherings that we might attend. Because of his unusual work hours, these discussions generally they take place at unusual times like 11pm or 5am when we are both home and the toddler is asleep.
  • Prioritize yourself. Because I single parent 90% of the time including weekends, I take nearly every Wednesday and put Greer in daycare even though I’m not working. Sometimes I run errands or clean the house. Others, I nap or read a book or watch an episode of trashy TV while folding laundry.  But if that isn’t enough and you are still struggling, find a therapist or talk to your doctor about medication. I have chronic anxiety/depression, but residency definitely exacerbated both. Therapy and medication have been crucial to my well-being during this time.
  • Understand that some people just can’t understand. Try as you might to explain what a medical residency (or insert challenging spousal occupation) looks like, some people simply won’t understand. Austin has gently explained to others that if he is not at work, he is at home working or he is sleeping. As much as that may sound like an exaggeration, it is our reality most of the time.  Which leads me to the next tip.
  • Lean on others experiencing the same. While I can certainly commiserate with other medical spouses, I can’t begin to wrap my mind around what it would be like to deal with a deployment.  Nor can I truly commiserate with single parents.  And I’d never pretend to. The same goes for medicine. Even within the medical world, not all residencies share the same hardships.  The more you can talk to women experiencing the same (for me this means women whose husbands work nights, frequently miss holidays, or who have lived through a medical residency), the easier it is to shrug off bitterness you might feel toward others living a different reality.  Again, leading me to my next point.
  • Try not to be bitter. This is particularly difficult for me. Especially when others, in an attempt to commiserate, compare their spouse’s work to mine. Even if their spouse takes a lunch break and sleeps in bed with them at night, and gets holidays off and doesn’t hold literal lives in their hands.  I have to remind myself that they, too, have struggles and are only trying to help. I also have to keep in check my bitterness toward Austin and know that he is doing the best he can and doesn’t like this any more than I do.

Motherhood isn’t an easy walk for any of us. If you, like me, are living that med-wifery life, remember that it does come to an end. I’m not totally sure I believe it, but others who have gone before assure me that it’s true. And for those without an end in sight– you have my sympathy and respect.

Holly Pyle
Holly loves to talk. In fact, she spent the majority of her fifth-grade year isolated to the back of her classroom for excessive talking.  She was reprimanded for this in various ways throughout her education, including during graduate school. She is now mother to Greer, her incessantly yammering three-year-old daughter. Holly’s parents regularly chuckle at this poetic justice. In addition to excessive talking, Holly enjoys buying and killing houseplants, rearranging home decor, thrifting clothes for her daughter, and doughnuts. She is passionate about the use of the Oxford comma, women supporting women, and the power of vulnerability in relationships. She struggles with racking up library late fees, writing bios, infertility, and understanding people who desire to go to Vegas.  

5 COMMENTS

  1. There hasn’t been any article that covered my day to day (minus the patient part) so succinctly until this one. My husband is in the Army and daily myself/ kids just operate assuming he won’t be able to make it home until bedtime. Thats still better than the deployment he just returned from but there’s something harder about potentially having a partner available that’s unable to help vs knowing it’s just you. You pretty much are experiencing a deployment! Thank you for writing such a spot on piece!

  2. I’m so glad it resonated with you! My biggest worry with this piece was that it would come off whiney or insensitive to others experiencing something tougher. So thank you for the kind words. Know you have my sympathy with your husband’s career. Being military must be so so tough.

  3. Girl! This is not whiny! Residency is hard. (Although I cannot compare it to Military! Those ladies are so strong!) My husband graduated medical residency last year! And for the first time, July 1st was the greatest holiday! And, I will tell you, the grass is greener on the other side! Yay! However, this time is also special. Resident Wife + Mom life is so hard! Yet, I found comfort in seeing my husband take care of others, his patients, like I take care of our children-as if they were his own family-but on a different level. How special is that? I am also a nurse and I was able to work with him inpatient some days. It is cool to see him persue his dreams in person and to be able to help him along the way, at home and at work!

  4. Med wife here! 2 year med school (we met his 3rd year), 5 year residency, 2 year fellowship and finally living the dream for 3 years. My husband is a Trauma Surgeon and while we miss him like crazy when he is working, residency is nothing like life after the storm. Stay strong Mama. Find things that make you tick. Mine was still working a job that I love and putting our little girl in daycare, which she loved. Communication and teamwork is the key. My husband calls me adaptable. I say happy wife, happy life. Hold on. You are almost there.

    • Thank you so much for the encouragement! Trauma surgery would be such a long road! I’m always relieved to hear that the attending life is an improvement from resident life! Props to you for surviving, haha!

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