Talking to Kids When Tragedy Hits Close to Home

When I was a boy 041414We’ve gotten numb to reading the details of another shooting splashed across the news. Usually, it happens in someone else’s community where the victims’ names are unfamiliar.

Yesterday, it didn’t happen somewhere else. It happened here.

Reat Underwood, a freshman at Blue Valley High School and an Eagle Scout, was shot and killed along with his grandfather outside the Jewish Community Center in Overland Park, Kansas; another victim was fatally shot near the Village Shalom assisted living facility. Both Reat and his grandfather were members of the Church of the Resurrection in Leawood. At the time of the shooting, the community center was filled with Kansas City teenagers like Reat who were auditioning for KC SuperStar – in addition to families attending community classes, swimming in the pool and attending a matinee theater performance. Terrified parents waited for their children outside while the center was on lockdown immediately following the shooting.

The alleged shooter is in custody, reportedly screaming anti-Semitic remarks and smiling as he was led away in handcuffs.

As adults, it’s hard to process such hate … such cruel violence. It’s hard to see national news headlines like “Kansas City Horror” and know that they are talking about our neighborhood or even the place where our kids swam and played. We don’t know how to answer for a deeply broken world and our own sense of safety – let alone how to explain it to our children.

This week, there will be kids in our community mourning the loss of a classmate and friend. There will be many others who will see the news and want to know “why?” or “am I safe?” How can we answer the questions that plague our own minds, leaving us confused and fearful?

  • Turn off the TV. Younger children don’t understand replays and camera angles; in their young minds, it seems like the events are happening again and again instead of as part of an isolated incident. Watching media coverage or browsing news headlines online leaves us hopeless and emotional and for kids, can cause them to create stories in their own heads about their own safety.
  • Explain what has happened and answer their questions. Obviously, this needs to be adjusted based on your child’s age – but it’s OK to be honest without sharing the grisly details. Allow time to listen to them talk and ask questions as they process.
  • Be OK with not having all the answers. There is hate in the world; why it leads some people to violence against their neighbor is something beyond most of our comprehension. Kids need to be reassured that feelings of sadness and anger are normal while also giving them healthy ways to express their emotions. Remind them as often as you can that they have many people looking out for them and keeping them safe.
  • Point out the good. In the midst of tragedy, there are always lessons of courage, love and compassion. There are the police and state troopers who worked to keep people safe. There are the church leaders of different faiths who came together to support the Jewish community. There are Blue Valley school counselors and teachers who will walk with their students in grief this week. Help children find the heroes in the darkness.

As we mourn the victims and for our community as a whole, we hold the words of Mr. Rogers close and pray for a more peaceful world in the days ahead.

“When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.'”  – Fred Rogers

Resources for parents:

Sarah McGinnity
Sarah grew up in Manhattan, Kansas (Go Cats!), she moved to Minnesota where she met her husband, Shea. Realizing how much she hated snow in May, she convinced him to move to Kansas City in 2010. Together they have lived in Midtown, Waldo, the Plaza, and now Overland Park. Sarah is mom to 10-year-old, Henry, 7-year-old Clark and 5-year-old Lucy. She has her master’s in urban administration and is passionate about making Kansas City a more equitable and supportive community. In between the crazy, she likes to drink coffee, run, hike, travel as much as possible, and experience all things Kansas City!