When I Thought You Were Gone

pregnancy

“I got the email. Your results came back negative.”

That’s the text I got when I thought you were gone.

I had been so sure. I had been positive I was pregnant. I had every cornerstone symptom from my last two pregnancies. Nausea, fatigue, implantation bleeding, cramping, crazy cravings… every single one.

I was positive.

But there I sat. I wasn’t pregnant.

I should have been relieved. We couldn’t afford another baby at that point. I’m running crazy already with a toddler and a preschooler. I just launched a business! I didn’t have time to take maternity leave.

I should have been grateful. I had two gorgeous, smart, thriving children already. I should be grateful for what I do have. Women struggle with infertility daily, and I’ve never known their struggle.

I “should” have been a lot of things but all I could be was sad.

I cried when I thought you were gone. I cried tears so heavy I thought they were made of lead. Every single tear that dropped weighed a thousand pounds. My heart shattered into pieces the second I saw that text.

You were there. I knew you were. In my mind. you were fully formed. The tiny life inside my womb. I was positive you were there and devastated when I thought you were gone.

So I distracted myself. I threw myself into being a grateful mother. I threw myself into my work. I threw myself into absolutely anything I could find. I convinced myself that my weight gain was from stress, and my fatigue was from being a mom. I told myself that the nausea was just me developing a sensitivity to something.

For a month, I distracted myself when I thought you were gone.

But something still wasn’t right. Something was off.

I was terrified to test again. I was sure it would be negative. There was just no way it could have happened so quickly after my previous negative test. But I needed answers. I needed to know why my body was going haywire. I decided I’d test again and when it was negative, I’d head to the doctor and have some blood tests run to figure out what was wrong.

I was so sure it would be negative I was actually on the phone with a friend as I took it. I drew a dropper full of urine and dropped three drops on the cassette.

And there, staring at me, were two unmistakable, bright pink lines. Two.

Two?! Two lines?!

How? How in the world was I SO pregnant that the lines showed up instantly?

My mind was a vortex of emotions ranging from disbelief to absolutely earth-shattering joy.

You were there. You were there the whole time. That was why I was devastated. That was why I had to work so hard to convince myself when I thought you were gone. You had never left me.

I found out that I was pregnant with our third blessing at 9 weeks but wasn’t sure how far along I was until I started feeling flutters at 10 weeks. (I felt my first two move at 12 weeks.) I had always heard third babies were the wild card and that has proven to be true. From the roller coaster saga of “pregnant, not pregnant” to the symptoms I’ve never experienced before, this little one has thrown me for a loop.

I’ll never forget the feeling of being told my positive test was actually negative. I’ll never forget the feeling of having hope ripped out of my hands. And I’ll never forget the joy I felt when I knew I wasn’t crazy and you were with me all along.

I held a pillow sobbing for hours when I thought you were gone. I can’t wait to replace that memory with the moment I hold you in my arms.

We can’t wait to meet you.

Mallory
Mallory Shannon is a birth and postpartum doula in the Kansas City Metro area, wife and mother of two. She had every intent to leave until she and her husband moved their family downtown and fell in love with the city and the culture. Self-professed coffee addict and foodie, she enjoys all that the Kansas City food and coffee scene has to offer. When she isn't chasing down her one- and three-year-old, you'll find her hitting the Farmer's market, teaching and providing Kansas City's family centered birth and postpartum doula care. You can follow Northland Doula at www.northlanddoula.com, www.facebook.com/northlanddoula or on Instagram @northlanddoula.