When Marriage is on the Backburner

When Marriage is on the BackburnerHe hung through one side of the mini-van wrangling one screaming toddler, and I doubled over through the other side trying to swing the infant carrier into the latch while in-between us one unnamed little one shoved another unnamed little one because they were taking too long to hike over the clogged center aisle and both collapsed to the Cheerio-strewed floor in their own set of sobs. It was just so overwhelmingly a mess of a day; it was hilarious. Don’t get me wrong, there was no laughter to be found in this mother’s heart when a certain unnamed child woke up from an especially short nap with proud handfuls of the contents of their diaper. And later on, I may have literally sprinted, one hand pushing my cart and one hand steadying my baby in the sling, to hide around the corner in the grocery store to avoid the scene I heard unfolding as another unnamed child of mine tipped a full cart of groceries over onto themselves with a crash and shriek that brought the entire store to a silent freeze while I did everything in my power to keep my reddening face from giving away my true identity leaving the hubs to deal with that aftermath.

I could share a myriad of other stories. Some would be tearful, some dirty, others disgusting, but most would be stressful. Our life consists of keeping our four littles alive, and, if that’s going well, keeping them happy is an added plus. In this crazy season of life, the feat of peacefully partnering with the father of my children seems incredibly elusive enough many days, let alone romancing each other. It’s a daily struggle, no, a brawl, to keep a marriage off the backburner.

And yet, as easy as it is to become consumed in our routine, distracted by the daily, I know deep down that meeting halfway over the common ground of our children is a lifestyle that can not sustain us. Having had the privilege of watching the marriage examples set by our parents, our grandparents, other amazing pairs paving 10, 22, 33, 35 and 50 years as one, I’ve observed two strategies to preserving our marriage.

Tend to the Roots
Someone recently shared a word picture with me recently. Two well-meaning individuals stood busily at an outstretching apple tree. Round and round they went with pride, but suddenly they realized, the fruit they so earnestly stood shining was in fact only withering apples. As they admiringly reached, appreciating with each polish, the tree was actually wilting, dying from lack of care. The roots were what needed the attention.

Many times we are like the couple in the analogy, doing our polishing in the tedious chores, the tending to our littles in the littles of the daily leaving us neglecting the very roots of our family, us. The we that began our whole love story unfortunately becomes the easiest thing to lose sight of in these years.

How often do we serve our children with every last ounce of energy, plating up food, attending every event, soaking up every accomplishment but then turn up our nose at hearing details of our spouse’s day? How often do we spend rocking our little ones, whispering our admiration to them until eyelashes blink one more time slowly and then paper eyelids are kissed for the night and then when we are under our own sheets, we turn the other way, backs facing space between the one we used to long for?

The roots are what create stability. The roots are what sustain. The roots are the source. For the fruit of our children, our family, our legacy to flourish, it’s our “roots” that will need the careful tending. It will mean sacrifice. It will mean humility. But finding ways to cherish each other most is what will create the most stable, long-lasting fruit.

Fence out the Foxes
Catch all the foxes, those little foxes, before they ruin the vineyard of love, for the grapevines are blossoming!  Song of Solomon 2:17

If our marriage could be described as a vineyard, it’s the little “foxes” that sneak in that threaten it most. It’s the distraction that leaves us callous and hardened. It’s the building sarcasm in the voice tones, chipping away at any tenderness. It’s the layering resentment, unwashed by forgiveness that threatens the appreciation of the one we feel in love with so many years ago.

And just as there won’t be a single issue that comes up in a lifetime of marriage, “fencing a marriage” isn’t a one time thing. It takes continual evaluation and repair. Seasons of life will require various methods of defense. There will be times for fencing out complacency with an extravagant date night. There will be times for fencing out distraction by a night without the TV on. It’s a constant but essential battle to fence the vineyard of our love story, fervently guarding from the foxes of the everyday that threaten its longevity.

We’re just shy of nine years sharing a last name. And while these years are but a blink in comparison to the gray we plan on growing together, our journey thus far has had both mountain top joy and dark valleys of hurt. But through it all, we are learning daily, to tend first and foremost to the roots of us and to safe-keep our sacredness.

Because as I’m realizing more with each anniversary, each new triumph we celebrate, each sadness we comfort, each adventure we conquer, growing up isn’t an option, but growing together is. And as life happens, somewhere along the way between finding the white dress and plucking the white hairs, in the laughter and the mess and the heartache and the healing, it’s his hand I want to be holding, and it’s worth fighting for.

Allison French
Allison French is the mother of Ellie, Tristan, Judah and Lucy, living in south Kansas City with her hubby of eight years, Chris. After teaching elementary school in Blue Valley for six years, she established her photography business, Allison Corrin Photography and specializes in newborn and lifestyle photography. Passionate about soaking up the sweetness in the simple, she muses over the dirty diapers, noisy time-outs, piled-up dishes, read alouds, never-ending pile of laundry, and other everyday lessons of motherhood in her personal blog here. A good day for Allison would include getting up while it’s still dark (and quiet), a good cup (or two…or three…) of creamed-up coffee, reading one of the (at least three) books she’s always in the middle of, a little blogging, followed by a long run or dancing at her Jazzercise class and concluded with baking something sweet with her own sweetums … and then promptly chowing down.