“It’s not even sticky, Mom.” These were my daughter’s famous last words. The ones that forced me to ban slime from our house last year.
You see, as an educator, I want to like slime. I really do. I think of the cool science lessons and know it would be so fun to come up with a hypothesis about different textures and then test them out, but as a mom, I can’t stand the stuff. I hate that it turns my sweet little children (“sweet” is a loose term) into YouTube obsessed demons jonesing for their next slime fix. Before you get all judgey though, hear me out. I’ve outlined a few reasons why I hate slime, all supported by the evidence of personal experience, which in my opinion is the best kind.
I’ve done it, I’ve been the cool mom who spent half of our life savings on all the glue and other supplies to make the stuff. In fact, I think I was at least half responsible for the glue shortage of 2017, but it has bitten me in the butt too many times, and I am at my wits end with it. I am sick of being unexpectedly out of contact solution or not having any storage containers for leftovers because they’re being used as slime receptacles. Currently, I hold the title of the meanest mom ever (just ask my kids) because slime is no longer allowed in my house. I’ve even publicly threatened to buy a puppy for whoever gifts my children with slime. I’m looking at you, Grandma and Nani.
Why is slime so gross, you ask? My kids adore making obscene fart noises with it as they compete to see who can make it the grossest color using a combination of food coloring that leaves their hands the color of a Smurf for days. I really want to send them to school with a sign taped to them that reads, “I promise they bathe.”
I’ve had to watch too many YouTube videos and enlist the help of my mother in law who is basically a laundry God to get slime out of new shirts, soccer jerseys, and carpet. Those videos make it look simple, pour a little white vinegar and scrub until your arm falls off. May the odds be ever in your favor, grandma.
More recently, I tried to limit slime playing to the kitchen table, unfortunately, that didn’t stop my oldest from what we’ll call the slime debacle of 2018. It took peanut butter, olive oil, a date with our large jacuzzi tub and more curse words than I wanted her to hear at 8, but I was finally able to remove the slime from my daughter’s hair with the help of some scissors. Let this be a lesson to you – hair must be tied back before playing with slime.
I am not the only parent that feels this way either. More parents are jumping on the anti-slime bandwagon. The Holderness Family made a viral YouTube parody, “Slime After Slime” which sums up my feelings exactly; basically, slime is just the worst.
