Words I Thought I’d Never Say While Raising Boys

By
Bridget
-
raising boys

I had been a nanny and worked in the daycare setting for years. I have heard some of the many things parents say to their kids and thought, “that will never come out of my mouth!” Some examples: “I will never tell my kids Santa is looking in their window.” “I will never count at my kids.” “I will never say, ‘come now or I’m leaving without you.'”

Sure, I may have made it the past 4 ½ years of motherhood without saying those phrases – but I never prepared myself for the words I would say once I had kids of my own.

Words that I would combine to make a sentence.

Sentences that I never imagined would one day come out of my mouth!

I think it all came crashing down about a year ago. I had put my then 2 year old and 3 year old down for a nap. I heard screaming and ran in to discover my younger son looking enraged and standing over his brother with his pants down. When I asked what was going on, my sweet, precious, slow to anger two-year-old yelled “I’m going to pee on Cooper!”

Without a pause, without a thought, I replied: “WE NEVER PEE ON PEOPLE.”

My world stopped – as if a camera was closely zoomed in, then quickly began to zoom out so that I could see the much bigger picture. There I was, in a room decorated in hockey paraphernalia, standing over two little boys who were obviously fighting and with one frustrated to the point of dropping his pants and attempting to pee on the other. There I was, in my sweat pants and dirty hair, giving a lesson in life I thought I would never have to teach … advice I never thought I would need to give: “we never pee on people.” At that moment, those words seemed like great advice; but how ridiculous would they sound outside that little hockey-themed room?

I started to pay more attention to my daily life of caring for small humans and the many words I say that I never could have imagined I would say.

I never thought that when teaching the planets, I would have to explain, “no, buddy, it’s pronounced Venus not penis.”

I never imagined the arguments I would have to resolve while in the minivan: “I’m pretty sure Bob the Builder never said ‘no, I can’t fix that.'”

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I never thought I would be explaining why Moses’ sister got to send her brother down the river but we cannot.

I never thought I would start a sentence with “I thought of this when I was wiping Cooper’s butt.”

I never dreamed of having to ask, “are you wiping poop on my pants?”

I never pictured me at ice skating practice answering the question “which boy is yours?” with “the one laying down licking the ice.”

I never thought of myself saying (daily) “get [the battery; the bottom of your shoe; the booger; the marker; your brother’s fingers] out of your mouth – I’m about to make lunch!”

I never thought the words “let’s not put [worms in our pockets; try to catch bumblebees; wet our hair with toilet water] ever again!” would EVER come out of my mouth.

Though I am constantly shocked and embarrassed by what I am required to discuss with my little people daily, I am never left feeling less of a person or less dignified. Even though I never imagined having to say the words I’m saying now, I also never imagined getting to hear the the words I now get to hear. For example …

… when my son looks up at me and says “you are the best momma in the whole world.”

… when I hear “you are my best buddy.”

… when my children can tell I’m hurting and say “I’m sorry you’re sad.”

… when I’m sick and my son says, “God, help my momma get better.”

No, I never knew that little words compiled into little sentences like these could make all those absurd words I have to say seem so natural. What I now know is that moments like these are just part of the privilege of getting to live day-to-day life with influential little souls – souls that STILL need to be told not to pee on people.

Bridget
Bridget
Bridget was the first of her six siblings to be born in Kansas City and she has lived here ever since. She met her husband when she was in the eighth grade; they have been married for five years and have two boys (Cooper is 4, Lewis is 2) with another boy on the way. Day-to-day life consists of being woken up face-to-face with someone asking for a cup of milk; picking up hockey gear around the house; trips to the park; laughing at her boys; attempting to catch up on laundry; and hearing lots of screaming and “I love you, momma”'s. Bridget loves to camp, lay on a hammock (often while pretending it's a ship being attacked by sharks), garden, picnic - basically all things outdoors with the exception of chiggers! Writing for a moms blog has been a top bucket list item and she is excited to be a contributor. She also writes at living with levins

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12 COMMENTS

  1. This was fantastic!! Laughed as I read it – and the thought of your boys, my house, and poop on a hockey table may or may not have entered my head 🙂
    #stilllaughing

  3. Too funny! Right there with you! Things I never thought I’d say, “We don’t touch other people’s penises” I say that far too often in a house with two boys!
    Before the boys were born, my husband and I had a lengthy discussion about how we would “never be counting parents’
    And….at our wits end, we attending a class on 1-2-3 Magic….and now we count.
    I’m learning to never say never:)

    • Exactly Cali… I never wanted to threaten but realized that was out the window when one day my son said “Mom come here or you are going to get hit by a car” oops… I guess I’ve been threatening.

  6. Bridget, I laughed so hard at the stories of your boys! My favorite is the sound advice that we should never pee on others to resolve a dispute. Great writing!

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