Has someone wronged you this year? Is there a friend or family member upon whom you seek vengeance? Is there anyone whose life you’d just like to make a living nightmare?
Well have I got the holiday gift list for you!
With these five gifts, you can give your enemies’ kids the Christmas of their lives, while driving their parents crazy, ruining their homes, and ensuring that the slightest misstep in the middle of the night will set off a blaring siren or a shrieking doll’s cry.
1. Anything That Will Leave a Lasting Mark
Putty, slime, non-washable markers, acrylic paint, etc. Make your gift a permanent part of your enemy’s decor! Kids will especially love to break it up and smear it in different places. Leave a reminder of your grievances in the form of an unsightly mystery goo on your enemy’s couch, smashed into their nicest rug, and on only the most visible walls in the house.
2. Anything Boasting its Number of Pieces on the Box
“Over 1400 pieces!” Hooray! You can’t hide your intentions with this one. This is a product specifically designed as an enemy gift. Obviously, no one sat down in front of a pile of small beads and decided it was a product that should be marketed to small children who still can’t make it through a meal without spilling their entire drink. No, no, they knew exactly what would happen when a child rips the flimsy plastic tray of uncovered beads out of the box. If you’d like to see your enemy lose 300 unrecoverable things all at once, this is a fun choice!
3. Any Gift You’d Consider Wrapping in a 40-Gallon Bag
Find a deal on an enormous stuffed animal, a kid-sized car, or a doll mansion? Did you fail to consider how it’s going to fit through its recipient’s front door, let alone where they will store it? Then you’ve discovered an ideal worst enemy gift! Consider how long it will sit in an obtrusive spot of your enemy’s living room as his or her children relentlessly beg to play with it until a return or re-gift is no longer an option. Also, enjoy the knowledge that in a couple of weeks, it will just be a large junk-piling table.
4. Anything That Will Wake Up the House
Musical electronics are a great form of parental torture! Your enemy’s children will love banging on their plastic keyboard. In fact, they’ll love it so much that it will quickly malfunction and lose its ability to turn off. But that won’t stop them! They’ll love that crazy keyboard — that never stops playing the same song and seems to have endless battery life — even more. Or how about a car toy with a screeching siren, three children’s songs, and no off switch! Or a doll that “awakens” between 1:00 and 4:00 AM every night and starts talking? All are excellent choices for your enemy.
Legos are a wonderful educational toy, with multiple developmental benefits. Many kids and parents would love to receive the gift of Legos. But scan your enemy’s home. Are there stray toy parts lying around? A bin with the six remaining Magnatiles, or a set of markers with missing caps? There’s a chance that you are dealing with NOT LEGO PEOPLE! In this case, you’ve struck gold. Everyone is familiar with the pain of stepping on a wayward Lego. But there’s another kind of pain that a parent feels once they’ve been left to complete 90% of the Lego Friends grocery store only to find it ripped apart within minutes and each of its tiny parts lost forever throughout the house. This is the gift that says “Merry Christmas! Enjoy the Urgent Care bill for removal of a tiny Lego from your kid’s nose!”
Friends and family footnote: I have given some of these gifts (sorry!) and I have received ALL of them. In truth, we have loved and appreciate all of them. Some of us more than others… but it would be pretty boring around here without them. More quiet and cleaner, but boring. I promise to seek vengeance only against my brother, who does this on purpose.