Practicing Anti-racism and Self-Compassion at the Same Time

I teach self-compassion.

Specifically, I teach women how to practice self-compassion and believe they are good enough.

In my private coaching calls with women I often repeat the phrase, “There is nothing wrong with you.”

Except, I am also a white woman (whose clients are all white women) waking up to the ways I am complicit in white supremacy. I am responding (late) to the urgent need to protect and affirm Black lives. I am learning history I never knew before and sitting with my own discomfort. When it comes to being anti-racist accomplices, we are called to radical change. The status quo is not good enough.

So, how do I hold two things in tension at the same time? How do I believe “I am enough” and heed the call to change? How do I show myself compassion when it comes to something as important as racism?

Here are a few ideas:

1. Feel my feelings, even the difficult ones

Self-compassion is different than self-esteem. While self-esteem hinges on thinking positively of myself, self-compassion is about acceptance. When I am able to practice self-compassion, I allow myself the full range of human emotions, including guilt, sadness, anger, disappointment, and regret. I accept the difficult feelings that arise when I learn about racist systems that oppress Black people and my complicity in upholding them. I trust that feeling these feelings instead of ignoring or denying them is the path toward justice and healing.

2. Resist perfection

Learning to practice self-compassion is about replacing “perfect” with “good enough.” If I resist perfection in all its forms, I also resist my need to be a “perfect” white ally. I remember there is no reward, trophy, or medal earned for being anti-racist. I accept I will make mistakes, and I commit to learning from them in order to do better next time.

Last month’s #blackoutTuesday is a perfect example of this. Many well-intentioned white allies (myself included) posted black squares on our feeds with the intention to mute ourselves and amplify Black voices. Except we jacked up the #Blacklivesmatter hashtag with our black squares, drawing attention away from important resources for BLM supporters. Blackout Tuesday was criticized by Black activists for being performative in nature and not helpful in saving actual Black lives.

If I seek perfection, I shame myself for “getting it wrong” and my white fragility prevents me from engaging in future actions.

However, if I resist shame and choose compassion instead, I can recognize my mistakes and learn from them. I can listen without getting defensive. I can affirm my own worth and commit to doing better next time.

3. Recognize my own growth

I do not commit to anti-racism for reward or recognition, especially from Black people. My Black friends don’t owe me gratitude or appreciation for doing the necessary work of dismantling white supremacy.

However, it can be helpful to affirm my own growth with affirmations like these:

“I am learning important lessons that matter to me.”

“I am showing up and living in alignment with my values.”

“I am listening to Black activists and learning from my mistakes.”

“I am teaching my children how to be anti-racist.”

In a podcast interview with Austin Channing Brown, Brown suggested we need a “growth mindset” for anti-racism work and her suggestion is helpful to me.

4. Pause, don’t quit

Compassion for myself includes recognizing my own physical limits and need for rest. If I want to stay committed to the work and demonstrate my reliability as an ally, I remember it’s a marathon, not a sprint. Set up a recurring donation, sign a petition, read an article, and then turn off social media for a bit. Turn off the news for awhile. As Banksy said, “If you get tired, learn to rest, not to quit.”

5. Trust that self-compassion is still the best path

I still believe doing the work to love myself well will make me a better ally. Imagine all the time, energy, and money I free up when I stop hating my body, stop comparing myself to others, and stop saying “yes” to things I don’t want to do. Self-compassion teaches me to let go of what others think of me, empowering me to speak boldly in support of Black lives even when it means people might not “like” me.

I am enough. You are enough. And, we can do the hard work of confronting white supremacy in order for all to thrive.