Saying Goodbye To Our Fourth Miracle

It all started as a normal day. While my daughters were preoccupied with princesses and ponies, I had this small voice telling me to take a pregnancy test. My husband and I had been hoping and praying for our fourth baby but I thought that month wasn’t the month. I listened to that little voice and took the test. There it was…. positive. I was pregnant! We couldn’t have been happier.

That happiness was quickly clouded with fear. I was worried from the first positive pregnancy test. I remember my tests looking really faint, almost having to squint to see the second line. I knew the line should’ve been darker…I’ve done this three times before! I called my doctor. The next week, I went in to have blood drawn to check my hormone levels. Before I even stepped foot into the office, I spent a lot of time crying. My heart was telling me something is wrong. The fear of the unknown was heart wrenching. We would have to wait until that evening for the results. That was probably the longest day of my life, just staring at my phone waiting for it to ring.

My phone rang. I ran upstairs and hid in my room. The results were in… I was experiencing a miscarriage. I’ll never forget her exact words,” I’m so sorry, but your levels are not high enough for a viable pregnancy, and unfortunately there is nothing we can do at this point.” I was in a state of shock, with many overwhelming thoughts such as…

MISCARRIAGE??

Our baby is gone.

This can’t be happening.

Nothing can save my baby.

My husband is going to be crushed.

Our kids are going to be heart broken.

My husband came into the room before I was off the phone. He knew without me saying a word. I hung up the phone and he held me as I sobbed uncontrollably in his arms. We hugged, cried and stood there in silence. How could this be happening to us? We never, ever saw this coming. I soon found out miscarriage happens to 1 in 4 pregnancies. I am 1 in 4.

The days and weeks following the loss of our baby were some of the darkest days of my entire life. My husband and I unashamedly believe life begins the moment of conception. That IS our child, our fourth miracle, our son or daughter. The sorrow was overwhelming. I cried ALL the time. At home, at work, at the grocery store, in the school drop off line. The pain would hit me out of nowhere; like a wave it completely pulled me in and I struggled to get out, to come up for air and to leave it behind me. I remember telling my husband I can literally feel my heart hurting.

I wanted to lie in bed for days and cry. However, being a family of five doesn’t allow for much room to put everything on hold and just grieve. I remember thinking I can’t change one more diaper today, I can’t fold clothes today, I can’t make a sandwich for my kids today. Between the school dropoffs and pickups, grocery store runs, cleaning, cooking, laundry and class projects…life didn’t stop to let me just pause and heal. I remember trying so hard not to cry in front of my daughters all day. It was awful enough having to tell them the baby went to be with Jesus. The truth is, they did see me cry, a lot. My oldest daughter would see me cry and without a word, hugged me. She knew why Mama was sad.

Those days and weeks following left a lot of unanswered questions. Why did we have to say goodbye before we said hello? Who would you have been? Why did this happen? Will this happen again? I desperately reached out to women in my life that were familiar with this pain. I needed comfort to know I’m not alone. I needed words of wisdom.

Sadly, miscarriage is not talked about enough. My husband and I decided immediately that we would be completely open about our loss and always share our story. We will not be scared to talk about our baby in Heaven.

My hope is that I can reach one mama out there. Maybe you know the road of miscarriage all too well. I want you to know you are not alone. I want you to know you were pregnant, you are a good mother, it is not your fault, you are absolutely allowed to grieve and YOU ARE LOVED. Take as much time as you need to cry and ask for help. Most importantly, I want you to know I am so, so, SO sorry this happened to you.

To my fourth miracle…we will always love you. We will never forget you. I will always wonder who you would have been. For now…I’ll hold you in my heart until I hold you in heaven.

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We invite you to add your baby’s name to our “Forever Loved” remembrance wall as a reminder that his or her life mattered and that you are supported in your grief by a community of moms who understand.