People ask me all the time, “How do you do it?” And I literally have no wise words to say. I sincerely wish I did because I love helping people. That’s sorta my love language. And as a teacher, I do it on the daily. But I really don’t know what to tell people when they ask me how I’m surviving age two with twins.
But I’ve decided that I can offer advice because, gosh darnit, I did it! I had twins, and they’re still alive today!
I wanted to sit down and examine these past two (almost three) years of having twins. I don’t have all the answers, but what I can offer you is a fresh perspective from someone who is currently going through it.
Having twins that are two years old is like having two little tiny monkeys who do what they want, cry at the drop of a hat, climb on everything, throw food on the floor, and tear apart their room on the daily.
My girls share a room. And although they love each other, I sometimes wish we could split them up so they could each have a space of their own.
When they were smaller, it didn’t matter much, but right after they turned two, they mastered the ol’ climb-out-of- your-crib trick. Not only did they climb out of their cribs, but they also relished in the newfound glory of having a bit of freedom to roam around their room.
Clothes thrown out of their dresser, blankets tossed about, falling asleep on the floor or on their hard bed frame, after they pulled off their mattresses. It looked like a bad after-school special. HA!
Now their room looks like a prison cell. Nothing but their beds in there. No tables. No dresser (we put it in our room for now). And a lock on their closet door.
I can only imagine what their teenage years are going to be like.
LORD HELP ME.
I tell you all of this to say that we actually DO have boundaries and expectations put in place. We have bedtimes and nightly rituals.
But sometimes, all of that goes out the door because you’re simply trying to survive and advance. The constant antagonizing of each other, the fits (ohhhh lord, the fits), the refusal of naps, the refusal of bedtime, the finicky eating–one minute they want peanut butter, the next they want mac & cheese.
Survive and advance to the next day. That’s really all I can do sometimes.
But if I had to put it into words exactly how we are surviving the two’s, I’d give these five tips:
1. Newly developed language gives us an opportunity to connect and understand them better.
Many times, hearing the word “no” makes my skin crawl. I feel disrespected, undervalued, and just plain over it. Then comes the talking back. I know this is only going to get worse as they get older, but my girls have already started this. When children’s language develops, they often push back. Not sincerely, but rather as an act of practicing their strong will with their words. I’ll never forget when I told one of my girls it was time to go to bed and she responded, “no, you go to bed momma!” Oh, heck no! Although it made me angry to hear that, it led to a full-blown discussion. I’m not sure every word was understood, but at least we were able to talk about it.
2. Fit throwing doesn’t mean you’re a bad mom.
Sometimes when the girls are throwing epic fits, I get angry. Not just kinda angry, but rather the fire bursting out of my ears and out of my mouth like a dragon kind of angry. My first instinct is to get raging mad because I cannot fathom why they (one or sometimes both girls) are not grasping what I am saying. It’s then that I realize their emotions are BIG ones. And they’re still learning how to navigate them. So counting backwards from 5 … 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, and forwards, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 … helps me to calm myself first before responding. When this happens in public, and I’m embarrassed, I am particularly annoyed. But I know now (after many talks with like-minded mommas) that this is normal. And it will pass. With twins, it’s just a never ending crapshoot to know who is going to be the one to throw the tantrum. Just consider yourself lucky if they’re both not melting down at the same time.
3. Structure is necessary, even when it’s easier to do otherwise.
We’ve always had a routine for the girls. Wake in the morning, breakfast, play, snack, play, lunch, naps, snack, play, dinner, bath, story/song, bed. The older the girls get, the more they fight us on the structure. Some days are particularly better than others, but lately it seems like when they get out of routine, they just fall apart.
I mean, there are two of them. So it’s double everything. Every. Time. Life is much easier when I can set myself up for success with routines.
I can remember not ever wanting to leave the house when they were first born, out of sheer fear that their routine would be disrupted and throw off our entire day. An entire day would turn into an entire night, and I’d be the one left picking up the pieces and swearing by everything holy that I’d never let that happen again. I will tell you now, though, that I’ve learned how to roll with the punches on some things.
Just not with naps and bedtimes.
4. Physical touch and eye contact is so important to their emotional well-being.
I have to remind myself of this often, but I once read something about how the first three minutes after a child wakes are critical to helping them develop a positive sense of security with their parents. The same goes for the first three minutes after they get home from school or daycare as well as the last three minutes before they go to bed. This advice hit me hard because I’m a task-oriented type of person. I have a plan in my head for a way to attack the day and make it successful. So when I get pushback from my kids first thing in the morning about not wanting to change their diaper or get dressed, I have really been trying to stay calm, pick them up, and hold them close. I make eye contact with them and pat their back, stroke their cheek, give them a kiss, or just rock with them. I try to talk to them instead of demand things. And give reasons why. After all, that’s not what I want them to do to me.
Even though they mostly do.
With twins, it’s just knowing how to help both at the same time. And sometimes that’s so hard to do!
5. Knowing when to walk away and take a break is key.
Moms need breaks. But kids do, too. And that’s okay to admit.
Like yesterday, when we had a birthday party to go to and it was time to leave, one of the girls didn’t want to go. She wanted to stay and play. So I had to explain to her why we couldn’t.
That didn’t work.
She screamed and kicked and arched her back until her shoe flew off and a random man had to chase after me, politely giving me the shoe.
I tried putting her down and walking away (thinking she would follow me). But when I turned around, there she stood, like a bull waiting to buck off the next cowboy. She was ready for her rodeo. She was testing her boundaries and although scared I might leave her (which I wouldn’t), she wanted me to come back for her. Just to prove a point, I suppose.
Or maybe just to let me know that I’ll never win!
After screaming almost 20 minutes home, she screamed until I reached my hand in the back seat to hold hers. It was then that she stopped. However, I was still tryyyynnna drive home. So, it was not exactly easy.
After that, she didn’t want the lunch I provided. Then, she didn’t want the blanket I gave her. Then I walked away and she wanted the lunch again, as well as the blanket.
Holy moly. Nap time couldn’t come soon enough.
So, I was very glad to have plans that night with the neighbor girls to go grab a bite to eat and have a cocktail. And even though I felt guilty doing it, it was so worth the time because parenting is hard, y’all.
I’d be lying to you if I told you that every day was easy peasy. Because it’s not. Age two with twins is rough to navigate. It’s a lot of work to raise twins, but it’s also one of the greatest blessings I have ever been given in this life.
It’s a year full of exploring the world on two feet that can run everywhere. Times two.
It’s a year of developing language and personalities that have to learn how to coexist with the world around them. Times two.
It’s a year of figuring out where their safe place is to land and who is going to be there when they fall. Times two.
It’s a year of potty training. And yes, I said “year.” Times two.
It’s a year of sharing. Really, it’s new for me to have to share myself with so many of my babies. But it’s also new for the girls to have to share with each other as well as their older brother. Share their toys, their time, their space, and their love. Times two.
It’s a year of the compounded effect of a love so deep and so wide that it literally hurts me to think about not ever having them in my life and how lucky I am to call them mine. Times freakin’ two!
There are two of them. Two tiny humans the same age, born on the same day, doing the same things together, and experiencing life at the exact same “stage” together. It’s both exhausting and hilariously exhilarating all in the same.
Even though I hear the three’s are going to be a real game-changer with twins.
Bring. It. On.
